Between holiday dinners with relatives you haven’t heard from all year, office parties with coworkers you may not be close to and school events with random parents, there are loads of gatherings this time of year that require making conversation — and some of it can be downright awkward.
Add that to the fact that some people may want to avoid hot-button issues like politics, and it can feel like the only alternative is to stick with small talk. But let’s be honest, that can be painfully boring.
Conversations, whether at holiday parties or other times of the year, don’t have to be awkward, though. Here are five tips therapists recommend to make these situations less uncomfortable and superficial and more meaningful.
Practice active listening
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” is a common saying attributed to the Greek philosopher Epictetus. In other words, listening is an underrated part of conversation and connection.
Active listening in particular is key; it means doing more than just hearing what another person says. It entails listening closely, asking questions when needed and paying attention to the speaker’s emotions, according to the American Psychological Association.
In practice, active listening includes:
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Nodding along
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Making natural, empathetic facial reactions to what you hear
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Making eye contact when the other person speaks
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Paying attention to their body language
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Saying particular phrases that show you’re invested in the conversation
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Restating what they shared in your own words
Basically, it’s about ensuring that the other person knows you’re listening to them and that you care about what they have to say.
Active listening “can help to build a connection and show more genuine interest in what the other person is sharing,” Amanda Luciano, a therapist and clinical manager at Octave, tells Yahoo Life. “It can also help to build a sense of safety — and less anxiety! — in the conversation.”
Bonus: Active listeners are seen as more competent, likeable and trustworthy, according to research in the International Journal of Listening.
Find common ground
If you’re meeting a new person or talking to someone you don’t know well, start by asking questions to find some common ground, suggests Leanna Stockard, a therapist at LifeStance Health. “Asking a question that is relevant to the situation can allow for an opportunity to find commonality on a topic that you can feel comfortable talking about with ease,” she tells Yahoo Life.
Maybe you find out that you both love hiking, so you share your favorite trail. Maybe you are coworkers with their friend, so you share funny stories about that person. Or maybe you can connect on a difference; for example, you want to go to Portugal and they’ve already been, so you ask for their best restaurant recommendations there.
To figure out what that commonality is, Luciano encourages thinking about the specific event you’re at. At a work function, for example, you could ask a coworker about how they got started at the organization. At a family gathering, you could ask your family member’s partner how they met.
“Finding common ground can also help the conversation feel more natural,” Stockard says. “Extra bonus for adding in a small personal share where appropriate.”
Engage in the “yes, and” communication strategy
Stockard isn’t talking about the Ariana Grande song here, but rather a guideline of sorts that thespians practice. “With this strategy, you find something that you connect with that the other person is sharing, validate their response with a ‘yes,’ and follow it up with the word ‘and’ and share your perspective or opinion,” she explains.
She gives some examples, such as: “Yes, and wow, how did you manage to get out of that situation?” or “Yes, and that must have been so scary.” You can also share a related experience you had and how it made you feel similarly.
This tip can be especially helpful when you want to encourage deeper connections, she says, or when you feel like the conversation is difficult to maintain.
Come up with follow-up questions
Here’s yet another reason why active listening is helpful: It can provide you with material for a good follow-up question or two, such as “What did you love about it?” or “Who would you recommend it to?”
Asking follow-up questions helps the other person feel more at ease, creating a less awkward situation. “This technique helps because at times, people can feel most comfortable talking about something they know,” Stockard explains.
Follow-up questions can also drive connection and help people feel valued. “By listening and asking follow-up questions, it shows the person that you are genuinely interested in getting to know them, and it can help them feel more comfortable engaging in a conversation that is more meaningful,” she adds.
Ask open-ended questions
Questions that require a simple “yes” or “no” or other short, one-word answer typically don’t go anywhere — and that can make a conversation even more awkward. Stockard recommends brainstorming some open-ended questions to help you get to know someone better.
“If you are struggling with what to talk about when initially meeting a new person, a good place to start is by asking the person curious questions about themselves,” she says.
To jumpstart that process, consider these ideas: What’s their favorite holiday memory? What do they love most about their job? What are some TV show recommendations or upcoming travel plans?
Luciano adds how this tip can encourage the other person to share more, ultimately leading to more meaningful conversations.
Bottom line: Give yourself — and the other person — grace
Talking to people you just met or don’t share much in common with can be difficult. Being patient with yourself and the situation can help you avoid getting flustered, which often leads to even more awkwardness.
“I think it is important to note that it takes two people to make a conversation less awkward, so even with your best attempts,” Stockard says, “if the person you are speaking with is either uninterested in getting to know a new person, does not want to have a conversation or is simply having a bad day, it is not your fault for the conversation being awkward or superficial.”
