They say nothing is impossible. However, it’s virtually impossible to walk through life scoring invitations to every party and knowing the backstory of each inside joke. Everyone feels left out sometimes, even as adults. For instance, your nightly scroll through Instagram might reveal you didn’t get invited to (or informed about) a work happy hour or friends’ weekend getaway.
While childhood is “supposed” to be carefree and innocent, kids, of course, can feel left out, too, like getting cold shoulders on the playground or not having anyone to sit with at lunch. Psychologists say these exclusions can have long-term effects if they’re the baseline rather than the exception for kids.
“Childhood is the most significant time for our development, meaning what happens during these years can significantly impact us for the rest of our lives,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York. “Being excluded as a child can cause feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, self-doubt and anxiety. If these feelings are not addressed, they can linger into adulthood, which can hurt one’s mental health.”
Dr. Stratyner adds that peer interactions teach children about social norms and relationships. Constant exclusion makes it hard to take those lessons. As a result, psychologists say people who were often excluded in childhood usually develop these 11 traits as adults. They also shared ways to move forward.
11 Traits of People Who Were Constantly Excluded as Kids, According to Psychologists
1. Social insecurity
People who were almost always excluded as children can feel socially insecure for several reasons, says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
“The possible insecurity within situations could stem from reduced social interactions, so there is literally less data to pull from regarding how to interact with others,” Dr. Smith says.
Other times, Dr. Smith says people may blame themselves for the exclusion, feeling something must have been wrong with them. Both can trigger anxiety about social interactions.
2. Perfectionism
Exclusion can cause a child to feel overlooked. As a result, they may do what they can to get noticed as adults, which can manifest as perfectionist tendencies.
“A person excluded as a child may strive for perfection or go above and beyond in situations where it’s unnecessary to try to prove their worth,” Dr. Stratyner says. “They may also do this to try to be seen.”
3. Creativity
Kids may find healthy outlets to cope with exclusion.
“Many of those excluded as a child turned to a creative outlet such as writing, art or music,” Dr. Stratyner says. “This gave them a way to express themselves.”
Creativity can help adults view situations through multiple angles in brainstorming sessions and become expert problem-solvers.
4. Loyalty
Children often left out quickly learn the importance of connection, albeit the hard way.
“Someone excluded as a child may be extremely loyal to those they care about,” Dr. Stratyner says. “This is because they value the relationship greatly and would go to great lengths to protect it.”
5. Empathy
People who spent much of their childhood missing the cut for sports teams and birthday party invite lists may become empaths.
“Some may have strong empathy for others, relating to the feelings of others who have also been isolated,” Dr. Stratyner says.
6. Low self-esteem
Internalized rejection can trigger low self-esteem, especially if it is not resolved.
“Low self-esteem…often leads individuals to question their worth and grapple with self-doubt,” says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services. “For instance, if someone was excluded as a child, they may hesitate to share their ideas at work, fearing they won’t be valued.”
7. Overanalyzing
Having a rough go at social interactions during a critical development phase can be the start of a toxic internal monologue narrated by a Monday morning quarterback.
“Individuals may notice a heightened sense of vigilance, constantly watching for signs of rejection,” Dr. Frank says. “It leads them to overanalyze conversations and body language, interpreting innocent gestures as threats.”
8. People-pleasing
People may change their stripes to blend in with the crowd to establish connections. Dr. Smith says that people may think that becoming agreeable “enough” can increase their odds of being included.
“The downside with this is that it’s difficult to form a sense of self when constantly playing chameleon,” Dr. Smith says.
9. High external validation needs
After a childhood of not receiving positive feedback from peers, it’s natural that someone would crave it as a grown-up.
“Sometimes, as an adult, this individual may look to how often they are being invited to things for a sense of validation,” Dr. Smith says.
Dr. Smith explains that someone may base their worth on the number of invitations they receive (and feel like something is wrong with them if they don’t get invited to something).
10. Potential to isolate
There’s nothing wrong with independence, and solo time is life-giving. However, consistently excluding yourself has harm, Dr. Smith says. Still, it’s understandable that someone often excluded in childhood would veer in this direction.
“Sometimes, when a person is often excluded, they will focus on self and create their own world, whether that be an imaginative world they connect with or becoming overly independent and not wanting much, if anything, to do with others,” Dr. Smith says.
11. Highly structured
Dr. Frank says people who lacked connection as kids may desire highly structured settings as adults.
“Many find comfort in structured environments with clear rules and roles, providing a sense of security and minimizing the unpredictability that can lead to exclusion,” Dr. Frank says. “In workplaces with defined hierarchies, individuals may feel more at ease, understanding exactly what is expected of them.”
Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable,’ Psychologists Warn
How To Heal From Childhood Exclusion
1. Reflect
While it can be uncomfortable, Dr. Smith suggests trying to get to the root of the reason for exclusion. These reasons can involve:
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The impact of interpersonal approaches, like verbal aggression
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Others’ biases, such as that a child’s whole family doesn’t “fit in” with the rest of the neighborhood
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Miscellaneous reasons, such as not having much in common with a specific group (Dr. Smith says these reasons usually aren’t personal but rather a part of life)
2. Let it go
This one can feel challenging, but you deserve to move forward without carrying the weight of your childhood.
“Our past experiences impact us, but they do not define us,” Dr. Smith says. “It is crucial to let go of anything from the past that is not serving us.”
Notably, Dr. Smith says letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or lying to yourself.
“Rather, it is about acknowledging that past experiences do not control us,” Dr. Smith says. “We…are not hostage to what happened in our childhood.”
3. Make friends
It can be healing.
“If you were excluded as a child, having a few good friends you can rely on as an adult is essential,” Dr. Stratyner says. “Try to build a friend group who all like to go out together and do things. Going out in a group and socializing can help heal your inner child and make you feel included.”
4. Talk to a professional
Working through deep-seated issues developed in childhood can take time, and you may benefit from professional support from a therapist.
“Getting things off of your chest can help you feel better, and a therapist can offer great advice on how to heal from this type of trauma,” Dr. Stratyner says.
Up Next:
Related: 11 Signs You Might Be ‘Socially Inept,’ Psychologists Say
Sources
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Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York
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Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D.,, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
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Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services
