A compliment can brighten someone’s day at any age—a “great job” from Dad after a T-ball game (win or lose) and a “nice work” from a boss following a work presentation can lift a person’s spirits.
Yet, some people walked through childhood receiving very few verbal (or literal) gold stars.
“Compliments and positive reinforcement from parents are crucial for building a child’s self-esteem, confidence and sense of self-worth,” says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and the Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “When children rarely receive compliments, they may grow up feeling unrecognized or unappreciated, which can shape how they view themselves and interact with others.”
This lack of recognition can present in some recognizable behaviors in adulthood. Dr. Lira de la Rosa and three other psychologists share common traits of adults who were rarely complimented as children.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10 Common Characteristics of Adults Who Didn’t Get Many Compliments As Kids
1. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem naturally makes the list of telltale characteristics in people who didn’t get many compliments during childhood.
“Adults who did not receive compliments as children may struggle with their self-worth,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “They may feel they are not good enough or capable of success and can internalize the absence of praise as a sign that they lack value.”
2. Limited motivation
Two quick questions from Dr. Connally Barry Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks: Have you ever worked yourself to the bone on a project, paper or presentation, only for your boss to say it was “fine”? How likely would you be to do so again?
“Often, adults who did not receive compliments in childhood find it difficult to muster enthusiasm and effort because they have an inherent belief that it will not be rewarded,” Dr. Barry says.
3. Struggles to accept compliments
It may seem counterintuitive at first glance, but it makes sense when you think about it.
“The difficulty [accepting compliments] is caused by the lack of experience receiving compliments as well as a diminished self-esteem,” says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., the director of the Mental Health Youth Program at the Audrey Hepburn Children’s House at Hackensack University Medical Center. “While the adult may appreciate the compliment, taking in the intent of the compliment is difficult, with some adults even feeling unworthy of accepting the praise that is bestowed upon them.”
Related: Here’s Why Taylor Swift Has the Perfect Response to Compliments, According to a Therapist
4. Praise junkies
Dr. Biller says adults might constantly seek the external validation they lacked in childhood.
Yet, ironically, “Despite seeking the compliment from others, many adults who seek praise may continue to experience difficulty accepting the accolades for which they petition,” he explains.
5. Difficulty celebrating personal achievements
People who didn’t receive many compliments as kids may struggle when others celebrate them and may have a challenging time toasting to themselves.
“Without having been praised as children, some adults struggle to celebrate their own accomplishments,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “They may downplay successes or feel guilty about acknowledging them, as they are unfamiliar with receiving recognition.”
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
6. Pessimistic attitudes
This one is understandable after a childhood with little positivity.
“Since losses were more likely pointed out instead of wins, they may project that to their entire lives,” says Dr. Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., a relationship expert at DatingAdvice and psychology professor. “True pessimism is partly genetic, but that gene must be activated by the environment.”
7. Perfectionism
At the risk of sounding like a pessimist, perfection is impossible. Yet, people rarely complimented as kids may feel the need to chase after it.
“Without regular positive reinforcement, some adults compensate by striving for perfection in all areas of life,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “They may believe that only flawless outcomes will earn them the validation they never received. This trait, however, can lead to burnout and anxiety.”
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8. Social difficulties
Social skills are important for success in various industries. Neighborhood baristas are friendly faces and voices—Ditto for our local bankers. Dr. Barry says compliments help build rapport and lay the foundation for healthy connections.
“Without learning the proper exchange of compliments growing up, their comments could come across as awkward or ingenuine, thus impeding the formation of social connections,” Dr. Barry says.
Related: 13 Phrases Often Used by People With Poor Social Skills, According to Etiquette Experts
9. Trouble picking mates
Issues making genuine connections can also seep into someone’s personal life.
“Deep down, people who were not adored by their parents as children can’t conceive that an adult romantic partner can adore them,” Dr. Walsh says. “Love isn’t about finding happiness. Love is about finding the familiar. They may choose someone who treated them like their parents did.”
10. Sensitivity
Dr. Walsh says people who were rarely on the receiving end of a compliment can grow into “touchy” adults.
“People who were not complimented as children can become highly sensitive to criticism as adults,” she says. “They can perceive even the most innocuous comment as an attack. This makes it difficult to have authentic friendships.”
Related: 11 Signs You Might Be ‘Socially Inept,’ According to Psychologists
How To Find Internal Validation After a Childhood Without Compliments
1. Practice self-compassion
Learn to treat yourself as you deserved to be treated as a child.
“Learning to give yourself the compliments and validation you missed in childhood is key,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains that self-compassion involves being kind toward yourself, even—and especially—during challenging moments. You’ll also acknowledge victories, including “tiny” ones.
2. Exercise
Talking—to yourself or a therapist—is helpful. However, actions are also important, including engaging in physical activity.
“Physical activity has been found effective in inducing the production of hormones that will enhance positive feelings and self-esteem,” Dr. Biller says. “Regular physical activity, particularly when able to do so outdoors, can be a key component to any healing plan.”
3. Repair
Repair is a buzzy term in the parenting world these days. It is often used to help parents learn how to apologize to children through words or actions. However, adult you can also repair with your inner child on.
“Self-doubt is a pernicious and all-encompassing monster,” Dr. Barry says. “Finding your way through it using therapy, and positive social interactions is vital in the recovery process. These individuals are likely to be hesitant to socialize, but the more often they experience healthy interactions, the greater their confidence will become.”
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