The Pittsburgh Penguins will soon report to training camp and play preseason games at the end of September. Even though Sidney Crosby has yet to sign an extension, he won’t want to go anywhere, especially if these absurd predictions come to pass in the next 11 months.
September: McGroarty replaces Crosby as captain.
General manager Kyle Dubas sends shockwaves through the NHL by replacing Sidney Crosby as captain. Since the Penguins leader has yet to sign an extension, Dubas boldly promoted 20-year-old Rutger McGroarty to captain. After requesting to leave the Winnipeg Jets because he wanted an opportunity, Dubas offers the rookie a chance to have his cake and eat it, too.
October: Penguins bring McDavid back from road trip.
Pittsburgh heads to Western Canada in late October. Their first stop is Winnipeg (Oct. 20), followed by Calgary (Oct. 22) and Edmonton (Oct. 25). They conclude their four-game road trip with a stop in Vancouver (Oct. 26).
After watching the Penguins dominate all four contests, including destroying the Oilers on home ice, reigning Conn Smythe Trophy winner Connor McDavid begs management to trade him to Pittsburgh so he can start training for the 2026 Olympics by playing with Crosby now.
Interestingly, McDavid will make his Penguins debut against Marc-Andre Fleury and the Minnesota Wild on Oct. 29.
November: Crosby has to watch Ovechkin break the all-time goals record… in person.
Heading into the 2024-25 season, Alex Ovechkin needs only 43 goals to break Wayne Gretzky’s record of 894. Considering his long-standing rivalry with Crosby, Ovechkin storms out of the gate and scores 41 goals in the first 12 games of the season.
When the Capitals arrive at PPG Paints Arena on Nov. 8, Crosby will have to watch as Ovechkin nets the game-winner in overtime to complete his hat trick and celebrate his milestone goal.
December: Penguins steal Stanley Cup from Florida.
Upset that Ovechkin celebrated his latest achievement on their home ice, the Penguins get even with the Hockey Gods by going to Florida and performing the heist of the century by stealing the Stanley Cup on Dec. 3.
Like the missing Jaromir Jagr bobbleheads from March 2024, Pittsburgh’s social media team breaks the news on the missing trophy. Eventually, the Stanley Cup appears in random spots around Philadelphia as the organization tries to frame the Flyers mascot, Gritty, for the crime.
January: Pittsburgh goes winless on a seven-game road trip, prompting ownership concerns.
The Penguins head out on a seven-game road trip with five contests on the West Coast after tilts against the Buffalo Sabres (Jan. 17) and Capitals (Jan. 18).
They start the trip winless and then drop their next five against the Los Angeles Kings (Jan. 20), Anaheim Ducks (Jan. 23), Seattle Kraken (Jan. 25), San Jose Sharks (Jan. 27), and Utah Hockey Club (Jan. 29).
Upset that the team lacks direction, minority owner Mario Lemieux begins to train for his second comeback at 58, hoping his return will ignite the dressing room like it is 2001 all over again.
February: Penguins acquire reigning Norris Trophy winner Quinn Hughes.
In August 2023, Dubas acquired reigning Norris Trophy winner Erik Karlsson. To salvage his reputation, he puts all his eggs in one basket by acquiring the latest Norris Trophy winner, Quinn Hughes.
The move shocks everyone because all three Hughes brothers, Jack, Luke, and Quinn, now play in the Metropolitan Division. Sales of NHL 25 skyrocket because the Penguins and New Jersey Devils are on a collision course to meet in the Stanley Cup playoffs.
March: Penguins confuse fans by unretiring Jagr’s number.
Although there have been no press releases, fans are confused when they attend the Mar. 11 contest against the Vegas Golden Knights to see Jagr’s number no longer in the rafters.
After tearing it up with Rytíři Kladno and becoming the first player in Czechia league history to score 100 points, Jagr agrees to a last-minute contract with the Penguins on Mar. 8, which allows him to participate in the Stanley Cup playoffs.
April: Sullivan is fired, replaced by Crosby, the first player/coach in a half-century.
In 2009, the Penguins fired Michel Therrien and went on to win the Stanley Cup with Dan Bylsma. A few years later, in 2016, they fired Mike Johnston and won back-to-back titles with Mike Sullivan.
Attempting to capture lightning in a bottle for the third time, Dubas fires Sullivan after the season finale despite qualifying for the playoffs, promoting Crosby to head coach, who becomes the first player/coach since Doug Harvey in 1962.
May: Penguins sweep Eastern Conference playoffs.
Crosby, McDavid, Hughes, Lemieux, and Jagr all erupt for 20 points a piece in 12 games to get the Penguins back to the Stanley Cup Final. Pittsburgh sweep the Flyers in the first round, ditching the Stanley Cup in the Wells Fargo Center, completing the frame job on Gritty.
In the second round, the Penguins defeat Ovechkin and the Capitals, which was The Great 8’s last game in the NHL. He decides to go home to chase down Sergei Mozyakin’s KHL goal record of 351.
During the emotional Eastern Conference Final, Quinn defeats his brothers, Jack and Luke, en route to his first championship series. EA Sports is so thrilled about the sales of NHL 25 that they recruit the Hanson brothers to come out of retirement for the cover of NHL 26.
June: JCVD, at 63 years old, saves the Stanley Cup for Pittsburgh.
The Oilers return to the Stanley Cup Final for the second consecutive season, this time without McDavid. In a hard-fought series that goes to Game 7, the Penguins lose their three goalies in warm-ups: Tristan Jarry, Alex Nedeljkovic, and Sergei Murashov.
Thankfully, Hollywood actor Jean-Claude Van Damme is in attendance. During the ceremonial puck drop, the team convinces him they need him to strap on the pads again.
Van Damme wins the Conn Smythe for shutting out the Oilers and breaking the NHL save record with 87 stops. The league agrees to let Edmonton play 6-on-5 for the entire contest since a celebrity was tending the goal for Pittsburgh.
It was also the only way to convince Canadian fans that the Oilers had a “legitimate chance” of winning the Stanley Cup under Gary Bettman’s tenure.
July: Sudden Death II goes into production.
After watching Van Damme’s heroics, former Penguins owner Howard Baldwin, who financed the movie Sudden Death, convinces Hollywood executives to green-light his script for Sudden Death II.
Since studios have run out of new ideas and remakes or sequels get released decades after the original, it was time for Baldwin to strike while the iron was hot.
The executives agree to finance the project as long as Lebron James gets to star in the story since he’s a minority owner of the Penguins through Fenway Sports Group, and the new Space Jam movie made $162 million at the box office.
Construction begins immediately at PPG Paints Arena to ensure the roof can open so they can recreate another chopper explosion before training camp. Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo by yelling, “Don’t get in the chopper!”
What crazy, unpredictable things did we miss? Let us know in the comments. Enjoy the 2024-25 season. It’s shaping up to be a wild one!
